everything you've ever wanted to know but were afraid to ask-

Ruby has graciously agreed to interview me, and when I got the questions… let me tell you I was surprised at her in-depth, hard-hitting journalism style! It’s taken me a while to think these through and to make sure I cover all my bases, but I think I’m ready. Just as a warning – this is VERY LONG and there are no pictures, so I won’t be offended if you get bored and stop reading. But here we go:

1) By now we've all heard about you starting a new job. That's very exciting. Can you tell us what you will be doing? Did you have to go to school get this job? What are your long-term career goals? Oh, and does it bother you that Fig doesn't have to work?

My job will start October 25th! I’m going to be working at a Maximum Security Prison, so it will take them that long to do all kinds of background checks on me to make sure I’m not a Peruvian drug lord or some such interesting (but illegal) doggin. I will be in what is officially termed the “dog training program” and I think that means I will stand around looking manly and let everyone pet me to their hearts content. I have heard Massah speaking in muted tones about “Tad learning obedience” but I don’t know what that means since I’ve never experienced that before. All in all I’m quite looking forward to it and am sure I will be the best trainer they’ve ever seen. No, I did not go to school for this job; Massah must have just noticed my natural ability as a trainer here at home and decided she couldn’t deprive inmates of my gift. My long-term career goal is to train 237,580 people to say “Oh, he’s so masculine looking!” and to give me baby carrots whenever they see me. When I’ve achieved that, my purpose there will be complete. Does it bother me that Fig doesn’t have to work?! Heavens no. She would probably train them all to say mean things about little naked Chinese men and the world doesn’t need any more of that, let me tell ya. Speaking of her....

2) There seems to be a 'love - hate' relationship with you and Fig. I mean, you call her 'Mean Sister Fig'...is that all just for show or is there serious dis-harmony in your household? Tell us about your relationship with Fig.

Let me be honest: there is no “hate” to my relationship with Mean Sister Fig. She is my bestest friend (besides my BFF Lola Sprout Beyonce) and I love her more than anything besides my food and baby carrots and Massah. She is called “Mean Sister Fig” because she is MEAN to me though! When I first came to live here, she tried to eat me. She attempted to poke her little toenails through the crate that I was in and jab my eyeballs out, and then she gnashed her teeth against the wires on the door over and over again in an attempt to chomp down on my jugular vein and kill me. In other words, she slightly disapproved of my presence in the house. Over the past year she has gotten better… we even sleep next to each other occasionally (when she doesn’t realize I’ve snuggled up to her side). She still doesn’t particularly like me, but I am now part of her pack and she keeps me in line. She yells at me a lot, especially when I’m screaming in her ear. But of course she loves me; who couldn’t?! I’ve also learned that when we’re playing, if I squeak in a really high, loud voice, Massah comes and picks me up. I can make Fig get in trouble that way, because Massah thinks she hurt me when I do that. It’s fun!

3) How has your angry pancreas been doing these days? Does it bother you that you can only eat certain things? For those pups out there suffering from the same condition, tell us a little bit about what types of snackies you can eat and do you feel that your condition sidelines you in anyway.

My pancreas and I are working together on anger management techniques. He hasn’t gotten really upset with me for a couple months now (Massah says that another episode should be coming up in a few weeks, since he “acts up” every 3 months or so). It makes me very sad that he doesn’t like me too much; I’ve never done anything to make him upset on purpose! Sometimes I eat too much poo and that makes him angry. (I’m trying really hard to stop doing that, but it just tastes so darn GOOD!) Other times we don’t know why he gets mad. Sometimes it makes me sad when I see the good food that everydog else gets to eat, but then I think of my BABY CARROTS and all is well with the world again! They’re my very favorite thing to eat in all the universe! I can only eat baby carrots (YUMMY!) and my prescription food from the vet’narin. This one time, on my Massah-versary, I got some wallymelon and it was so good that I scarfed in down in 2 seconds but I haven’t had any since. Massah said I can only have it once a year. I used to have Sam’s Yams every once in a long while, but Massah gets very nervous when I eat them so I can’t have them anymore. The only way my pancreatitis hinders me in any way is the fact that Massah won’t let me eat all the poo in the yard. Every time I got out I try to sneak some in, but she catches me a lot of the time.

4) Do you have any hobbies? What do you do in your spare time?

My spare time… hmmm…. I eat a lot of furniture. I pretend that I see things out the window and scream so loud that Massah jumps and yells at me. I throw all my toys up in the air. I run really, really fast! I make Fig chase me by pouncing at her. I play tug-o-war with tennis balls. I chase my tail. I beg to sit in people’s laps. I jump up HIGH in the air. I squeak toys as loud as I can. I bite Fig’s armpits. I try to run out the door when someone opens it so I can grab some poo in the yard and eat it. I cuddle up under blankets. I stick my tongue up people’s noses. I lick my food bowl over and over again, hoping that I somehow managed to miss a piece or two the first 237 time I licked it out. I make pee-pee in secret hiding places in the house. And by that time my day’s about over!

5) You and Lola (Sprout Beyonce) are quite a team. Now I know you are just BFF, but is there something more going on? Do you want there to be or is there some other special DWB girl out there? Inquiring minds want to know!

My BFF Lola Sprout Beyonce and I are Best Friends Forever! We would never do anything to compromise our BFF status. I must admit she is exceptionally beautiful, and at first I thought I might fall in love with her accidentally because she’s just so awesome, but we’ve been BFF’s for a while now and I wouldn’t change a thing. I have to be honest… there are a select few DWB gals that I’m quite taken with! But I’m too shy (and Massah says I’m still pretty young) so I’m just admiring from the sidelines, so to speak. Besides, I’m starting a new job soon and I don’t know how much time I’ll have; I’ll probably be exhausted when I get home and it wouldn’t be fair to get involved with a special lady at this point in my life. I’ve thought about getting a little black book to keep track of all my prospects, but Massah says that is not a gentlemanly way to go about it. *shrug*

If you've made it to the end, THANKS! That was fun!

If YOU'D like to be interviewed, let me know! Here are the rules:

1. If you are interested in being interviewed, leave me a comment saying, 'interview me.'

2. I will respond by posting five questions for you. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.