Sunday, January 27, 2008

Well. Fig had her birthday. I suppose it was one of the best days of her life.

It couldn't have been more opposite for me. It was one of, if not THE, worst day of my life. Mean Sister Fig got to go the store and pick out whatever she wanted. Not only did I get left alone - in my JAIL - ALL BY MY SELF - and boy did I scream and holler about it - but look what Massah picked up for me while they were there.

Let me enlarge it for you... can you SEE THIS?!?!

Why would she do this to me?! Eating poo is what I LIVE for! I am mad and sad and very angry, all at once.

I don't even know what else to say.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

the big S-I-X

Guess who has a birthday TOMORROW?!?!?!?!?!

Any ideas?

I'll give you a hint...

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


I am not sure if I was officially nominated, but it certainly was implied. So I'm taking it and running....

I accept your presidential nomination with a deep sense of humility. I accept, too, the responsibility that goes with it, and I seek your continued help and your continued guidance. My fellow doggies, our cause is too great for any single dog to feel worthy of it. Our task would be too great for any dog, did he not have with him the heart and the hands of this great International Doggie Party, and I promise you tonight that every fiber of my being is consecrated to our cause; that nothing shall be lacking from the struggle that can be brought to it by enthusiasm, by devotion, and plain hard work. In this world no person, no party can guarantee anything, but what we can do and what we shall do is to deserve victory, and victory will be ours.

The good Lord raised this mighty community to be a home for the brave and to flourish as the land of the free - not to stagnate in the swampland of collectivism, not to cringe before the bully of communism.

What does this all mean? To be perfectly frank, I don't know. But - I promise BULLY STICKS to everydog, along with mandatory belly rubs and smooches on the nose (or other comparable body parts) on a daily basis. This is the basis of my platform.

If you are a dog, you may vote. If you are a hamster, you may vote (but only for me). If you are a C-A-T, you may vote for me (if you don't constantly meow very loudly... that scares me). Color doesn't matter. Hair (or lack of) doesn't matter. Breed doesn't matter. Size doesn't matter. Weight doesn't matter. All that matters is if you want snackies, attention, and love.

I urge you, my fellow members of the International Doggie Party (which can be abbreviated I.D.P. which can also stand for I Don't Poo-in-the-house and can also stand for I Digest Poo-before-you-find-it-in-the-house) vote for me. I would like to ask the infamous Mr. Joseph Stains to be my Vice President, as well as my BFF Ms. Lola Sprout Beyonce to be my First Lady even though we are not married and are just Best Friends Forever and although she is beautiful I am not in love with her.

I repeat, I accept your nomination with humbleness, with pride, and you and I are going to fight for the goodness of our land. Thank you.

Note: Parts of this acceptance speech may or may not have been plagerized from the Presidential Nomination Speech Archives... I don't recall. (See - I can fit right in with all the other front-runners!)

Sunday, January 13, 2008

it's massah:

I just want to quickly apologize because I've been busy and am slacking off in my duties... some of which include helping the Tad-Man with blogging and giving him baths. Now, he doesn't mind missing the baths, but he is not happy about not keeping up with his friends, so I'M SORRY! I will try to better manage my time so that his wishes can be granted. The little naked Chinese man is pouting :-(

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

a game!

I've been taggered by the Tanner! Sometimes I'm a little bit confused when I read his posts, just because he's so full of exuberance and passion and bad words and YELLING! But I'm going to give it a shot.

1) Something about animals...?! Is it what animal would you be? Or what animal would you like to be? I'm going with the former - and saying a lion. That way I would be KING OF THE JUNGLE and everyone would know how manly I am without me having to verbally convince them of the fact. That would be GREAT.

2) Most favoritest song. This is difficult. I've been known to be afraid of music. In my defense, though, you never know where it's coming from or when it's going to stop or when it's going to burst out really loud and it's just a little bit frightening. Especially in cars. But. Back to the question. I'm going to say any NFL theme music. That means Massah is going to sit down on the couch for a few hours and I get to sit on her lap!!! My favorite!

3) Where would I live if I could choose anywhere in the world?! Oh my! I would choose next to Massah and Mean Sister Fig. And Massah would probably say New York City and Fig would probably say on her very own island where she could be dictator over a whole bunch of little doggies and spend her day bossing them around to feed into her superiority complex. So if the state of New York would sell Manhattan Island to Fig and all the homeless dogs 15 pounds or less could come live with us, we'd be set!

4) Famous movie star or personality.... I'd like to be Fabio! He takes all sorts of masculine pictures and I see the ladies swooning over him and I think I'd like that. And he has long hair on his head like me. I'm not sure if he has any chest hair though, and I'd really like to keep mine if at all possible. Massha won't let me put a picture of him up on my blog, so click here to see him.

5) I don't know what this question is. It might be "what job would you like?" which I don't really want to talk about because I still haven't gotten over the horrible way I was treated at my last training job. Maybe the question is "whose spokes-person would you like to be?" and to that I would say the BABY CARROTS SPOKESMAN!!! because they are my favorite and I could eat them all day long but Massah won't let me because my pancreas hasn't been angry at me for a long time and she wants to keep it happy.

And now I'm going to tag my BFF Lola Sprout Beyonce, Peanut, and little ChaChi! You're it it it!